Gentlemen Prefer Myths: Marilyn Monroe on Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey

Darlings, I have just seen the latest thunderous spectacle from Mr. Christopher Nolan. He has finally given us "The Odyssey", a three-hour Greek cruise that cost a modest two hundred and fifty million dollars. Why, for that kind of money, you could buy several Greek islands and still have enough left over for a very nice dress. And while I do love a grand gesture, spending ten years wandering the Mediterranean just to get back to Anne Hathaway’s Penelope seems a bit extreme. But hey - that's epic romance for you, and at least I got to admire Matt Damon while I watched him overcome a ludicrous number of obstacles.

What really entertained me about this film was how upset everyone got over who is allowed to be beautiful. It seems some very loud gentlemen on the internet — including a certain billionaire who really ought to spend more time launching rockets and less time complaining about actresses — are quite offended that the lovely Lupita Nyong’o is playing Helen of Troy. They insist she isn't historically accurate, as if ancient Greece was just one big country club for white folks. Back when I was a girl, people used to argue about my hair color and my waistline, but at least nobody blamed my casting for the decline of Western civilization. Anyway, I'm really glad Lupita is in this flick, because she is talented, beautiful, and her presence is just a giant "FU" to white supremacists who feel threatened by diverse casting.

Now back to my crush, Matt Damon. He looks so serious in this film, and it’s all so terribly heavy compared to his lighter roles in earlier flicks. Thank heavens he wasn’t required to learn Greek and go all “method”, because you know an artist like Daniel Day-Lewis would have taken that path. In fact, Mr. Nolan’s characters don't talk like gods at all; and when they aren’t calling Penelope 'Mom' they’re venting about spending ten years on a beach. Honestly, I would love to spend ten years on a beach, provided I had an umbrella, lotion, and good books to read. But this, I guess, is Nolan’s luxury and sweet-spot – he gets to make art house movies disguised as conventional blockbusters.

In the end, I suppose “The Odyssey” is exactly what modern Hollywood thinks a masterpiece should be: very big, very noisy, and absolutely exhausting. It’s an impressive accomplishment, but perhaps next time Mr. Nolan could let the characters smile just a little bit. I think a journey that’s all trauma and no laughter is something lacking a certain nuance and complexity. And darlings, if you do go to the cinema house to see it, get the extra-large popcorn —you’re going to be in your seat for a very, very long time.