I want more Jacob Elordi and less apocalyptic despair. Rock reviews "The Dog Stars"

Back in my day, if a studio put a handsome young leading man in a cockpit, they gave him a pilot suit, some hair pomade, and a gorgeous dame waiting on the runway. Today, Ridley Scott takes a perfectly good specimen of a movie star like Jacob Elordi, throws him into a bleak, post-apocalyptic wasteland, and calls it The Dog Stars. Apparently, the modern cinema experience requires watching a leading man survive a global flu pandemic while hoarding canned beans. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer my aviation adventures with a bit more champagne.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a man who knows how to handle a crisis. But watching Josh Brolin play a trigger-happy military survivalist makes me long for the charming machismo of a classic Western. Here, Brolin and Elordi’s character, Hig, are huddled in a desolate outpost, hiding from scavengers and talking to a dog. Where is the banter? Where is the sparkling romantic tension? They eventually introduce the lovely Margaret Qualley as a medic, but instead of a beautifully lit meet-cute in a penthouse, they navigate a ruined landscape of dirt and existential dread. Ridley Scott has directed some grand spectacles, and screenwriter Mark L. Smith certainly knows how to write grim survival—he penned The Revenant, so we knew there would be plenty of shivering. But I must ask: when did Hollywood decide that 'entertainment' meant showing the audience exactly how miserable the world can get? In my era, we gave people a beautiful escape. If we had a crisis, we solved it on a pristine studio lot with flawless three-point lighting and a smile. Now, you spend over a hundred million dollars just to make Colorado look like a dusty graveyard. Why on earth have we traded Hollywood glamour for a lifetime supply of survival rations?

Ultimately, The Dog Stars is a technically impressive piece of modern doom-and-gloom that proves Ridley Scott can make any disaster look poetic. Jacob Elordi flies his plane beautifully, even if he looks like he desperately needs a hot shower and a decent tailor. It is a gripping ride for anyone who enjoys their cinematic romance served with a side of quarantine, but for those of us who still believe a leading man should look good in a tuxedo, we’ll be waiting on the tarmac.