Practical Magic 2 Is Horrifying

Oh, dear me. It seems Hollywood has once again gone grave-digging in the 1990s, resurrecting the Owens family coven for Practical Magic 2. Waiting nearly thirty years for a sequel is a brand of suspense that I find agonizing rather than titillating. Now, Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman have dusted off their broomsticks for director Susanne Bier, proving that while human life is disappointingly fleeting, an intellectual property with mild nostalgia can live forever.

The original 1998 film was a modest curiosity, a brew of romance, domestic homicide, and margaritas at midnight. One would think a multi-generational curse that dooms any man who dares to love an Owens woman would offer fertile ground for a marvelous thriller. Sadly, we are treated instead to a rather polite fantasy. In this latest outing, adapted from Alice Hoffman’s The Book of Magic, we are whisked away to the United Kingdom to confront the ancestral source of this family affliction. Nicole Kidman—always a striking figure, even if her hair occasionally adopts the alarming shade of a freshly struck match—reunites with Sandra Bullock to battle ancestral doom alongside newcomers like Joey King and Lee Pace. But where, I ask, is the genuine terror? A curse that merely makes men inconveniently expire lacks the delicious tension of a well-timed staircase fall or a suspicious glass of milk. Director Susanne Bier tries to whip up a stylish storm, but the screenplay by Akiva Goldsman and his co-conspirators spends far too much time on family healing and not nearly enough on the sublime art of panic. Even the soundtrack, draped in Brandi Carlile and Fleetwood Mac, feels less like a haunting and more like a very expensive spa treatment. If you are going to commit murder—even by supernatural proxy—do have the decency to make the audience sweat.

Ultimately, Practical Magic 2 is a cozy affair, designed for those who prefer their witchcraft served with a warm sweater and a side of light romantic comedy. It is not a cinematic masterpiece—indeed, the critics have reacted with their usual coldness, mirroring the original's tepid reception—but it remains a harmless diversion. For those who enjoy a bit of moonlit mischief without the burden of genuine psychological horror, it is a perfectly pleasant way to pass two hours. But for myself, I shall stick to a simple, reliable knife.